Hell's Potions Class
by StarshipRangerBoyWonder
Summary: Professor Snape is out sick, so who will watch his classroom? Professor Gordon Ramsay, of course!


/saw this prompt on tumblr and was forced to make it because of reasons

"Harry!" Hermione called, running down the corridor and up to her friends.

"And Ron!" the redhead added, playing angry.

"Oh, Ronald," she sighed, rolling her eyes.

Harry shifted his books in his arms and turned toward Hermione. "What is it, Hermione?" he asked.

"Didn't you hear?" she gasped. "Professor Snape is out sick!"

"Thank Merlin!" exclaimed Ron.

"Apparently, he was grading one of Neville's potions when it exploded on him," she exclaimed. "It made him sick, I heard. He's not very happy about it. Neville's got a month full of detentions, and he deducted at least ninety points!"

"Wait, if Professor Snape is out then who will teach Potions class?" Harry asked.

"Who cares, Harry?" said Ron. "No Snape!"

"Speaking of Potions, we should head there now so we aren't late."

"Better idea," suggested Ron. "Let's be late on purpose."

They arrived in class on time, because Hermione simply would not have them be late for a substitute. They sat beside Neville, Dean, and Seamus, who were all in a heated discussion on if it was normal or not to eat blood pops.

"Hey, Neville," Harry said, sitting beside him.

"Hi, Harry," he replied.

Hermione looked over at Seamus and raised an eyebrow questioningly. "Uhm, Seamus?"

"Yeah, 'Mione?" he replied.

"Are you missing an eyebrow again?"

Seamus reached up and felt his forehead. He brushed over the empty spot above his right eye and shrugged. "Guess so."

Draco Malfoy walked over to their table, his cronies, Crabbe and Goyle, tailing him. "Hey, Potter!" he spat, smirking.

"Malfoy…"

"What do you want, Malfoy?"

"You know we have a sub today, right?"

"Everyone does," said Dean.

"I heard he's one of the most brutal professionals in the world," Draco said. "I caught a glimpse of him before he left to find the teacher's plan."

The door slammed at the end of the room and everyone looked around. In the doorway stood a man of average height and fit build. His white jacket and black pants hung off his body only slightly, and the sandy hair atop his head was assembled in attractive waves. He charged through the room and to the front of the room, where he picked up the chalk and wrote 'PROFESSOR RAMSAY' in all capital letters.

"Ramsay!" he shouted, voice booming around the room and being an incredible change from Severus Snape's soft drone. "Professor Gordon Ramsay! Your school picked me to substitute while your teacher is out because I am the best option. In this class room I will not tolerate any screw ups! Either go hard or go home! And get in your bloody seats!"

Malfoy and his cronies stumbled into their chairs, scared by the loud professor.

"Now! Let's start with a simple Babbling Beverage!"

Fingers trembling, the students all reached for their books and ingredients. Everyone exchanged miserable glances as Professor Ramsay walked around the room. Even Hermione was on edge while he peered over her shoulder. At the edge of the table, Dean kept chancing nervous looks at Seamus, who was biting his lip in intense concentration. It seemed the flammable boy would survive this lesson without setting fire to something…

_BOOM_

Professor Ramsay spun around and glared at Seamus, whose hair was singed and face covered in ash. Ramsay walked up calmly and looked at the exploded cauldron, putting out a small flame with his thumb.

"What happened here?" he asked, staring Seamus down.

"The – um – cauldron exploded," Seamus said, looking down.

"How exactly does this happen?"

"I'm not good with the cauldron, Professor," answered the Irish boy. "The heating always confuses me."

"Well… AT LEAST VOLDEMORT COULD HEAT A CAULDRON!" Professor Ramsay screamed, slamming his palm on the table and surprising Hermione. "That's it! Finish up in the next minute or you get a T!"

The students raced to finish their potions while Seamus cleaned up his station. After a minute was over, they all stepped back and let Professor Ramsay judge their work. Because he'd messed up, Seamus was the test dummy. He didn't have to take so much, because Professor Ramsay named most of them sub-par.

"What's your name?" he asked when he approached Draco's station.

Malfoy smirked and looked over at Harry before answering. "Draco Malfoy, Professor."

"Well, Malfoy…" he mumbled, taking up some of the potion between his finger. It was slightly solid and Ramsay rubbed it in his fingers. "I would never even give this to my enemies. I wouldn't chance it with Mr Finnigan. Not only because it doesn't work, buT BECAUSE IT'S SO RUBBERY, I COULD USE IT TO ERASE A PAPER!"

A strangled whine came from Draco's throat as he shrunk before Professor Ramsay. He directed everyone to clean up their 'horrid excuse for a Babbling Beverage.'

"Alright!" he bellowed, presenting everyone with a jar. "Your teacher wants you to experiment with chicken and lamb. Create a potion, but substitute an ingredient with these!"

The Potions classroom was silent as everyone worked harder than they ever had before. Potions were scrapped over and over again by people believing they had failed already. Harry struggled with his chicken, and Neville looked like he didn't have a clue what to do with the lamb. After the time was up, Professor Ramsay once again stalked about and judged their potions. This potion seemed to be better, because he complimented Hermione, Dean, and Seamus on their good work. Ron's could have been better, but it was ultimately okay. Professor Ramsay frowned when he got to Harry's potion and took a ladle full of it. Harry cringed as he saw pieces of chicken floating in the mixture.

"Want to hear a joke?" asked Professor Ramsay, his voice calm and unthreatening.

"Sure, Professor," Harry answered.

"Why did the chicken cross the road?"

He shrugged. "Why?"

"BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T COOK IT ENOUGH!"

"I'm sorry?"

"AND DON'T GET ME STARTED ON THE LAMB IN HERE, LONGBOTTOM!" he shouted, turning to Neville's monstrosity. "THIS LAMB IS SO RAW, WELSH PEOPLE WANT TO SHAG IT!"

A kid across the room snorted, and Professor Ramsay turned to face him. "You think it's funny?" he yelled.

The kid gulped and shook his head.

"Really?" continued the Professor. "Because you're in no position to laugh! YOU'RE POTION IS FECKING DRY! HOW DO YOU MANAGE THAT?"

The rest of class was terrifying. Three kids burst into tears, and a Slytherin boy ran from the room when Professor Ramsay yelled at him. Neville was trembling nervously, and Ron's gaze was locked on the clock. Class finally ended with Professor Ramsay screamed, "IF I WAS POISONED AND YOU WERE IN CHARGE OF MAKING MY ANTIDOTE, I'D DIE!"

They all practically ran from the classroom. Harry, Ron, and Hermione fled to the Gryffindor common room as if Professor Ramsay was following them.

"I never thought I'd say this," said Ron, "but I prefer Professor Snape."


End file.
